Gender Roles

Sheryl Sandberg current COO of Facebook has said, “A world where men ran half our homes and women ran half our institutions would be just a much better world.” Among many of her other accomplishments Sandberg has started an organization called LeanIn.Org (apparently inspired by her book titled, Lean In). She believes there are times when people make the decision lean in to their careers or to lean back. This organization is really just an ongoing conversation about a very complicated issue.

I have often jumped up on my soapbox during a dinner conversation with my family or a private conversation with my husband to explain why I think the women’s movement did not put most women in a better position. (Seriously, don’t freak out, keep reading). Granted, during most of the upheaval in the 1960’s, I was not yet born or too young to notice (I did love Marlo Thomas’s “Free to Be You and Me” though) so I’m not a first hand authority about what the world was like before and after feminism. I do know, however, that life is very difficult for women today. It seems to me that the expectations of yesteryear may have been easier to handle. Yes, people lived in their gender roles, for example, women were expected to take care of the housework and childcare and men were supposed to find a job outside of the home and make sure all the bills were paid. But In my opinion, this sounds like a much easier lifestyle. A person knew what was expected of them and the jobs of keeping a home and tending to family were divided more or less evenly. Another advantage that women had is that other women also stayed at home so one could presumably depend on others for friendship and support in your role. For those that were not satisfied with the roles deemed appropriate by society, life was a little more difficult. A woman could get a part-time job (unless there was a war, in that case, it was OK to work as much as you wanted until the soldiers came home), a man could spend more time playing with his kids. If you wanted more than that? Well, that’s where this all gets complicated and we end up here in 2013 where I believe that it is expected that a woman does not relinquish her role as housewife and mother but now (if one is middle class), in addition, has to add working a job 40 or more hours a week on top of her duties in the home.

With a new sense of power in the workplace, women have found freedom. For some, this could be the blessing of not being stuck in a relationship where there is domestic abuse or adultery. For a great many others though, it is the freedom to not have to ride out the bumps and dips that happen along the way in a marriage. I’m not passing judgement on the millions of people who choose divorce. I chose it for myself many years ago. I’m just not sure that America’s rising divorce rate is improving our country. How do single parents fare in a two-income society? Is is better to be a single parent if you’re a man or if you’re a woman?  I also ponder how all of this is effecting our nation’s children. Don’t you?

My husband and I chose gender traditional jobs. Is this part of our wild attraction to each other? Perhaps, but let’s not get distracted, ahem, to continue...I am an elementary school teacher and he is in construction. Think of each of those fields, honestly, what gender do you picture in your head? Would it have been surprising if our roles were reversed? Now ask yourself, why? Do you think women are more nurturing and men are physically stronger? Does biology play a part in our gender roles or are they all just societally based? Does our job choice have to do with the way we were raised? Again, this is where it all gets complicated. (Oh yeah, and did I mention that I make about a third of his income in my predominantly female job?)

Teaching is the kind of job that is never done. There is always something else to do. In my particular job at this particular time there is tremendous pressure to not fall into the demonized stereotype of teachers so I work really hard, not just for me but also to give my profession a good name.  Every day that I am at work, when it is time to go home I make the decision to stop whatever I am doing because despite my work ethic I feel a need to put my family first. On my way home, I often stop at the grocery store (this is after I’ve spent time looking at recipes, and planning a week’s worth of menus), come home make dinner, serve dinner, (I usually get help with dishes :)), remind kids about homework, practicing instruments,  etc. and help them when necessary. The next day, I wake up, make breakfast, remind everyone to brush their teeth and their hair (Oh mom, those aren’t knots, it’s just frizz!), make and pack lunches and get everyone off to school on time before I head into work. Then weekends are when all the rest of the housework happens. Whew! It’s not my husband that is the problem. He also participates in domestic duties, he chauffeurs to extracurricular sports and activities, he stops by my school to pick up kids when I have to work late (like parent-teacher conference night), and he does last minute runs to the grocery store for any items I may have forgot (and remember at the very moment I need them). The problem that I see is that when he does these things society says, “Oh he’s such a good husband and father. He really goes the extra mile” but when I do these things, it’s just expected because I’m a woman.

LeanIn.Org shares stories about women and men who are striving for balance. Balance is not a one size fits all. It will look different family to family but I believe there needs to be a change in how society views women; how society views female dominated jobs; how society views male dominated jobs (including professional sports); how society views women and men in the home, and how much is expected of all us. Does it really have to be this complicated?